Its not over 'till the fat lady sings

Its not that I'm afraid I'm going to forget. I could never forget. I just want to always remember. These last few precious weeks are going to be the best weeks of my life.

You were at guest chef dinner last night and you seared the lamb. You were so nervous. And when you got home we sat out in the back yard smoking and drinking. I decided I was feeling better about the whole thing so I started asking you questions about Oregon. What its gonna be like once you're gone? Are we gonna be talking still or do you want me to leave you alone? You said I could blow you up.... Ain't no one else gonna be calling me. I told you that you moving didn't feel like the end of us, that it only felt like a hiccup. And you said you're glad to hear me say that. We talked a lot about what its gonna be like in Oregon- the fact that there isn't any clubs there and how often I'd see you. What kinda job you're gonna get and where you'd gonna live. You talked about how if you guys don't like it there matt said you'd all just come back. I looked at you and said I'm gonna hope you all hate it there then. Followed by I'm kidding... Only sort of. You talked about where you would go if you came back and how long you're gonna stay up there. You asked me if I would bring you some when I came up to see you. I told you no way and laughed. I asked if I came there and got my own place and you said thatd be cool. And it made me realize how much you care but how afraid you are at the same time. And I fell in love with you even more.

Its a night I'll always treasure.

This morning we cuddled and kissed. And you took the kids to school. You got back and let me sleep. And when I had to leave for work you walked me out to my car and kissed me good-by, saying I'll see you later.

I'm not gonna count the days but cherish every second I have you by my side.

Misunderstood

What pisses me off is when people think ocd is about cleanliness. "Oh you have ocd that means you're like immaculately clean right?" No it doesn't asswipe. This is the medical definition of ocd " Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions)." Its an anxiety disorder. Not a cleaning disorder, not an organization disorder, not a perfectionist disorder." Its an anxiety disorder. So please don't come into my room and touch things and move things when you know it sets me off. And then you actually have the balls to say "I don't understand how you can leave your room so messy but be so anal about where your books are on your bookshelf". You are an ignorant, judgmental fuck.

Reality

It all happened. We were on your bed spooning and kissing and grinding. Under the covers, me under your smile. It was holding hands and gentle neck kisses. It was you finding a ticklish spot and saying "then I love that spot" and grabbing me there one more time and kissing my giggles away. It was you wearing me out and taking me over the edge of pleasure. And when we fell asleep on your bed and woke up again I started to get dressed. But when I sat down on the edge of the bed you grabbed me at the waist and pulled me into you, kissing my neck. I'm going over the edge now. I'll be falling over the edge down into oblivion and I'm not doing anything to stop it.

Tank tops

I like wearing a white tank top to bed cause I imagine that its yours. That we just hooked up and you have given me a shirt to wear. And we cuddle in your bed,  with the feel of your hands on my back. And in the morning I keep it on and throw my sweatshirt over the top. And when I leave you kiss my forehead, my head nuzzling you, gently kissing the parts of your chest that are exposed through your open sweatshirt. It smelled like cigarettes and weed.

I'm getting ahead of myself. You don't even want me.

Intimate

I wanna sleep with you. Not just sleep as in the feeling of you sliding in and out of me, taking me over the edge to pleasure. But sleep with you. Naked. With the feeling of your blanket across the skin of my back. Your chest against my chest. Feeling your fingers caress my sides. I wanna wake up in the morning to slow kisses and your fingers in my hair, sweaty bodies cuddling. I want. I want and I'm stupid for it.

Pretty Bad Low

I feel like an idiot. Waiting on you and changing for you. Needing you and your unspoken approval. Is this what it feels like to be stood up? Maybe I just misunderstood you. And now I'm foolish... Trying to make excuses for you. Watching every car go by like a hawk waiting to pounce on its prey. This is a pretty bad low. This was supposed to be fun, easy and feet. But my crazy, fucked up, addicted mind makes it into something it's not. And I'm so afraid of making you feel weird that I dont ask questions when I should. I keep my mouth closed like a good girl. And only open it when spoken to. What's the point??

Smell The Coffee

When I smell coffee in the morning, I want it to make me think of you. You say "I'm gonna head to bed" and you kiss me good night, your hand traveling down to me ass to give it a good squeeze. I smile and reach on my tippy toes to kiss you back. I stay downstairs to watch TV on the couch. And when I fall asleep and forget to come to bed you wake up around 3am and come downstairs to get me. Waking me with lazy kisses and soft touches. And as the alarm goes off in the morning, I smell the coffee and turn over to wrap my arms around you. Good morning my love. Love.