Starting Something

Many haunted memories live in this tattered heart. Past lovers, past fights and lies, past kisses etched into my skin. And I don't expect you to come along and wipe them all away. I want things to go right this time. I don't want to screw it up this time. The look on your face when you heard the news of my sudden and ridiculous nuptials was something that will flood through me always. It was in that moment I think. When I knew I was making a mistake. Because I realized that we didn't have a history. I didn't have any piece of you in my tattered heart or etched on my skin. I had nothing to show except for the memory of your smile. I don't want to be desperate about this. I want to be smart and confident. I wanna make all the right moves and say all the right things. I just have a hard time with the execution. I'm gonna take it slow and live in between the memory of your smile and the way your arms felt wrapped around me. How I could feel the muscles of your back under my hands and how the fabric of your shirt was so soft. That's where I'll stay until I see you again.

Poison

It feels like someone ripped my heart out and replaced my blood with poison. Its leaked into my blood stream and filled up my lungs. I'm suffocating with each sob that escapes my lips. You've never been any good for me and yet I'm addicted to you body mind and spirit. I had fooled myself into believing that I had spent enough time away from you to be okay. I had thought I could handle 2 years of missing you rushing back at once. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

Punchy

I knew there was no way I'd get rid of you completely. You're back in my life "with a vengeance" from the mouth of babes huh? Its one of the most accurate things you've said to me. You've always been an intense part of my life. And I don't know why I'm surprised this time around that its been the same. And yet here comes my mom making it hell again. Saying she's not willing to give you another chance. I hate this. I hate her I hate you. I hate that I'm still in love with you. I hate myself. But the root of all hate and fear is love. Thats what it boils down to.

Grimm Reaper

If I'm all the way honest I would say that I have an obsession with death. I think about it a lot. What would happen if my mom died, if my dad died, if my best friend died.... What would life be like when the people currently in my life were dead. I wonder what it would be like for them if I wasn't here? Would people miss me? What would they say about me to parents and then whisper to their neighbor during the service? Would it be the same thing? Would people have to lie? Would they say I live life to the fullest? I think about this a lot. But mostly I just wonder what it would be like take my last breaths and knowing that I wouldn't have to wake up again?

The Plan

He tells me that his ex wants to talk things out. And then all over his Facebook he says he's gonna get a new job and then he says he feels like something good is about to happen and he just seems so happy. And I feel so small and worthless and I feel second best. Nothing but a good blow job in the passenger seat. Guess he'll "let me know" if he and his ex don't work it out. Like I'm supposed to wait around for him to give me the okay. And as much as I want  to go home and cry about this I won't. I'm gonna be the bigger person. I'm gonna break the awkward silence and tell him "look no hard feelings okay. We were friends before we can be friends again. I'm a grown up now and I can be professional."

That's the plan anyway.

Read Between The Lines Motherfucker

I'm not stupid. I know that a year of commitment doesn't just disappear when someone breaks your heart. I get that maybe he wants to give her another chance. I just don't understand why? From what he's told me she wasnt trust worthy at all. Constantly accusing him of cheating and then giving her number out to guys at gas stations while they were still together. She had a car but would make him walk to come see her. I mean granted she's way prettier than me. And they have a history together. But damn. That's messed up. I thought we really hit it off. He's the one who said what we had going was really good. I never get my fair chance with guys. The one time I did, the guy turned out to be using me and was a liar and a cheater from the start. I didn't even ask for this. He came on to me. He sought me out. And like an idiot I trusted him. He "didn't know this was gonna happen but my ex wants to try and talk things out" ya okay and I'll just be sitting here waiting for you to come back around, to suck you off for a second time. I mean really???? I was just using you for sex anyway. I didn't care about you. I knew we would never developed into anything. I just thought maybe I'd actually get to bang you first before you went crawling back to her. Your a coward. And a liar. And hate your fucking guts.

Love the way you lie inspired

"It wasn't always like this" I think to myself as my back slams into the wall and his fist come to either side of my head hitting the wall. I lash out with anger and push him away from me with everything that I have yet he still seems unmoved. His hand wrap around my arms just below my shoulders and I still fight him back, kicking and flailing my arms around. I go to yell at him and his forehead rests against mine. I push my head away from the wall in attempt to get him off me but he does it again. My fight starts to die down and our noses are less than inches apart. I can feel his breath on my face and feel the rise and fall of his shoulders. I close my eyes and wait for his words to spew at me. But they don't come and we stay silent for what seems like forever. I angle my head and kiss him so gently it could have been a whisper. He barely responds so I try again and this time he kisses me back. Before I realize what's happening his hands move from my arms to my waist and then down to my ass. I feel him grab me and hoist me up so I follow suit and wrap my legs around his waist. My hands immediately go to his bare back and I dig my nails in knowing it will leave red marks by morning. He kisses me with all the passion and anger and jealousy that are usually in his words. And that's when I remember why I don't leave him: he's crazy, hell I'm crazier, but he's mine.

Decision Time

I don't know that there are any more ways to say just how much your on my mind. Its constant. When I wake up, when I'm at work, when I'm driving, when I'm lying in bed at night. I think to myself maybe I read the signs wrong. But then I remember your kisses and I remember the way you said what we have is "good. Its really good". I remember these things and can't seem to figure out how it went from that to this silence. Everyone is telling me you're not worth it. They're saying if you really wanted to spend time with me you would. Theyre saying that this is all just a power play. But they don't know what you're like when you're with me. They didnt see how shy you were or feel the way your hands cupped my face when we kissed. I don't know what I did. But I want to fix it. And if there is no fixing it then I'll find a way to move on.

I wish he was here to hold me. I feel anxious and weird and uneasy. But when I'm around him those feelings disappear. That short hug last night has stayed etched in me like a tattoo. I want him. I want him so very bad.

Obsessed

I have to just accept I have an obsessive personality. You're a constant whirring in my head. Like someone turned a switch on and it won't turn off now. I want to just throw myself at you. I want to make you want me. I want to make you not be able to resist me.

I keep replaying it all in my head. Over and over and over. I hear your voice and all the sweet things you said. All the sexual things you said. Every detail of it makes my heart beat unevenly. It makes me feel like I can't catch my breath. You are the source of all my uneasiness.

Label This

Sometimes I wonder if its worth it. Wonder if being here is worth it. Wonder if opening myself up is worth it. Try as I may to not be vulnerable and get involved I just can't seem to learn my lesson. I have expectations. I do every time and then I get let down because things don't work out the way I think they should. I just for once want things to go how I think they should. Its not even the fact that we're not labeling it. I'm glad there isn't a label. Labels ruin everything. They set a standard of conduct between the two people. And then you have to explain yourself to everyone. No label is just perfect. Its more the fact that he didn't kiss me. And he didn't hug me. Its the fact that he's drunk. And not himself. And maybe even more so its me. I'm scared. I'm really scared of falling in love. Again. And I don't fucking want that. Maybe I should have thought this through. Maybe it was too soon.

Musings

Everything happens for a reason. But what if it happened so that you could realize it was all a mistake?

Need Your Touch

I said to myself "I'm not gonna so this" I'm not gonna get caught up on some guy. I'm gonna have my own life and not care. But right now here I am sitting in my car waiting to see him. I'm making excuses as to why I can't leave in hopes that we'll run into each other. When really me sitting here waiting will probably look stalkerish and creepy. I'll give it 15 more minutes. And then I'll leave. I have to taste his lips again. I don't wanna wait.

More to come

I have found a new muse. I am enthralled by his smile and in rapture with his laugh. His skin is soft as silk and warm like a spring day. My skin is buzzing like an electric fence just waiting and needing his touch. The hamster wheel in my mind is racing faster than ever before with constant obsession of him. This is fast and hard and intense. And easy smooth like the way a cold beer feels running down your throat on a summer day. There is no awkward glance or uncomfortable silence. Our words flow and bounce off one another so easily. I am inspired by him.

Dreaming

Stay out of my dreams. Your lips taste too real. Your laugh sounds too real. Your touch feels too real. Your eyes look too real. And it'd not real. It won't ever be real and its a fact I will have to face. I don't want to feel this way for you. I refuse to break down and let myself get close to anyone ever again. The last hurt I went through was too much of a close call. I can't risk my hurt again.