Hate Hate Double Hate

I think the bigger issue is how much my happiness depends on if I earn her approval that day or not. If I don't meet the mark then I'm a failure and a loser and the worst. The good days are so few and far between now. It almost feels like they're never going to come.

More than anything I hate how weak I am. How emotional I get. I hate how much I cry. I hate me. And they say that if you can't love yourself how do you expect anyone else to love you. So maybe that's why she can't stand me. Maybe I just draw all the negativity and bad things out of her. Maybe in the end I've done this to myself and I deserve all the bad things that are coming back to me.

Piece of Shit

I don't know how to stop the voice in my head that tells me what a piece of shit I am. Logically I know that's not true. But when you don't have anyone else telling you otherwise it's hard not to think that maybe the voices are right. I just don't want to be mentally ill. I don't want to have depression or anxiety. I want to be able to just let what she says roll off my shoulders like it's not big deal. But I don't know how to do that. I care too much about her opinion of me. And I want to do what will make her happy and please her. But I don't know think I'll ever achieve that. I don't have a solution and I'm afraid that if I don't find one that I won't make it.