it feels like this...

this feels real. it feels easy and hot. it feels like your tongue sliding across my neck, cooling the spot you just left your mark on. it feels like your hand running over and under my thigh and me clutching at your tank top trying to get closer, even though we are already skin to skin. it feels like a late night hook up in my car, far out on a dirt road and my heart is beating so fast it feels like its going to pop out of my chest. it feels like Eskimo kisses and butter flies in my stomach when i catch your smile and you bite your lip. it feels nervous. then slow, and faster then hot. burning up, burning my skin, burning my kisses into your skin. when suddenly it slows down and your hand finds mine, fingers laced together, lips searching for each other. it feels like three hours of a roller coaster where you feel fully satisfied but not nearly satisfied all at the same time. it feels like your head resting on my chest and your quiet voice saying "your heart is beating so fast" and before i can think about what im saying i reply back, "its because of you". it feels like the muscles of your arms, shoulder, back, hips, stomach, thighs under my hands and me needing to feel every inch of you. it feels like your collarbones under the slide of my tongue and my hand sliding up and down your length. it feels like your nails scratching up my back and across my hips. it feels like the way you suddenly pull me tense close to you and i can feel your hand on the small of my back. it feels like i need to climb into your lap but this car is too damn small. it feels like i saw you mouth i love you but there is no way and i have to be imagining things. i feels like i love the feeling of my head on your chest and my hand on your hip, feeling your hip bone and the sudden need to plant a love bit right there. it feels like im crazy because i could've sworn i just heard you say "my darling". it feels freezing out here and my legs are shaking and suddenly you're saying "hold me im freezing" and you're right there by my side but in the back of my mind i remember you saying, "i dont want a relationship" it feels like that. what do you call it?

Just Stop

You show up with your perfect outfit and the perfect scruff and a smile that knocks me off my feet. I want you. I shouldn't want you.

Gravity Is Working Against Me

I dont wanna be a leader. I dont want to do this. I'm not good enough and every time I think I have it you come through like a raging fire and burn all my confidence to the ground. I'm tired of being proud of myself and feeling like I finally know what I'm doing when all along I didnt. I screwed it all up on my way to where I'm at and didnt noticed the wreckage I created along the way. I dont think I'm gonna go trough with this. I dont want to keep being a disappointment. I get blamed I live with the guilt. And yet youre just as guilty as I am and you get to skate on by. No says anything about what you do because they're too scared. I guess I'm just as scared though. Here I am hiding in the pages of the internet because I dont have the bawls to say what I really think

im a freak, im a weirdo

i havent felt this way in so long and right now it so strong i dont even want to be writing this. i want to be feeling the life drain out of my body. i want to never wake up and just die peacefully and never be seen again. never be hurt again. never be yelled at again. never be looked down upon again. i just want to die. i just want to be gone. its my birthday and i cant think of anything id rather have than being dead. it would so much easier on me. i was going to say it would be easier on everyone else but that's not true. there are a lot of people who depend on me daily for work and for life in general and i wouldnt want to let them down. but the truth is sometimes you have to let down the people you love because you see that you simply will never live up to their expectations. they say stuff to you on a whim and never realize what it is that their doing. that every single time that slips out of their mouth so frivolously it breaks a part of you. and eventually there is no more of you to break. they watched all the pieces of you fall and then they turn their backs and they dont think twice about it. but when they come right back to demand you give them more of yourself so they can watch you crumble.... and i want to be everything you expect all the time. constantly beating myself up for all the little things that i cant seem to get right. but i finally got to a point where i thought to myself "i have to start living my life. not wasting it on degrading myself everytime i disappoint someone" well i was wrong. i never should have let me guard down. i shouldve push myself harder and done more and been better. im happier when im more carefree and just realize that what happens needs to be taken with a grain of salt. but i hurt so much when someone close to me hurts me at just the right spot and its like acid on a gaping wound. ive been telling myself to hold on. that these new vitamins will help me. they will take away that cloud cover on my spirit and i will be able to function again. but now im not so sure. maybe ill never get better. maybe ill always feel this broken, this defected. maybe ill always be a freak who cries when she gets her feelings hurt. and the stupid part is getting asked when you do cry. like people dont expect you to cry, they expect you to stay tough. well i cant be tough. im not tough and i never will be. im fragile and sensitive and you cant just yell at me and then apologize and that will be it. ill cry, freak out, beat myself up and then eventually be able to face you again. and when it winds all down and i take a minute to breath, i realize that this is just another thing i will bury and suck up and move on from. i will go back to the treatment that hurts me so and just tell myself they dont really mean it.