Head Space

I've got this weird thing where I want to go up stairs and just have you gone. I wish that I'd open that door and all of this would be a dream. I never would have met you. I never would have made this mistake. I never would have to let my family down. I have to do something about this. I can't keep going when I know that my heart isn't in it. I think maybe I was right when I said I would be alone forever. Or I at least need to date the right way and you have your space and I have my space  and at the end of the day you go home and I'm not just thrown into this domestic life I have no experience in. You were right. I'm not ready for this. I'm probably gonna break your heart and I'm sorry. But I have to be true to myself and not go back. Once I'm done that has to be it. I'm also afraid of being a month or two from now and saying I made a mistake I should have stayed with him. But I was fine before and I will be fine again. Right now I just need to clear this head space and figure out what I want.

Put The Doctor On The Phone

I'm progressing to making not just myself miserable but making other people miserable too. Your absence is tearing apart my very being, my very essence of function. I'm dying inside a little bit more every time someone asks me about you because I still have to tell them "I don't know". I'm not blaming you. Even though it kinda sounds like I am. I'm not. Its like Pete Wentz wrote : my back has been breaking from this heavy heart. My back is breaking, my soul is breaking, my spirit is breaking. I'm turning into this monster that I don't want to be. 

HopeFloats

Hope. Hope is what keeps me going everyday. Without hope life would be mundane. Day in day out. Doing the same thing with never any chance at happiness or change. Hope: to expect with confidence. One of my favorite things ever said about hope is this: Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible. Today I would like to have hope. Because there is a promise of you, the promise that I will finally be in your arms. It's the day I've been waiting for since I left you. Florence & The Machine put it like this: The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress. Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest. I have not found anything more accurate to express how I miss you. I'm driving myself crazy with hope because I would rather be in denial about what the future holds and be happy for the moment than spend an eternity knowing full well that I will never again lay eyes upon you. So I hold onto hope with a tight grip, like a child holds onto a toy. And I will be selfish with you. I will be selfishly hopeful because if I don't have hope in my fucked-up, busy, disappointing world than I have nothing. 

Dying Down

You are risking your life for me. Everyday you are out there is another day not promised to us. Absense is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. But I've been away from you longer than I've known you and my heart is starting to shrink. The flame is dying down and I'm afraid. We said forever. I gave you a piece of me I will never get back: physically, emotionally, and monetarily. I should be happy and hopeful. But mostly I'm just afraid. I have fear nestled deep inside me because there is no going back now. I'm leaping off the highest cliff I've had to come to you and now I have doubt of jumping. I will be in debt to you for 5 years at least. I will be in debt to you for life. I've got this hope that the reuniting of us physically will make my heart and mind fall into place. I have to believe it will.