I've figured it out. It being the fact that I spend half my time wish I semi would tbone me and put me out of my misery. I kept wondering why I could be like any normal suicidal person and just want to slit my wrists or hang myself. I kept telling myself that I wasn't suicidal, that I just wanted to die. That I wouldn't be sorry if I was in some sort of fatal accident. But the truth of the matter is that I don't want to commit suicide because I'm not suicidal. I dont want to commit suicide because I don't want my mom to be disappointed in me even in death. My mom has always said suicide is the most selfish thing anyone could do. And she's called me selfish my while life. So me offing myself would just prove her right. And disappoint her. And even in death, I could never spend an eternity with that knowledge.
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