Hooked

i just want to be sucked up into the floor. i want my skin to fall from my bones and my flesh to be eaten alive. i want to disappear. i want to take my final breathes and see the blood drain from my veins. i want everyone to forget who i am and forget what i look like. i want to be a memory. a forgotten memory. when my family and friends will say "she's better off dead". im too much of a pussy to take my own life. i could never swallow pills or cut my wrists or jump off a bridge or hang myself. i could never do any of those things. but if someone broke into my house and wanted to kill me right now i wouldnt beg for my life. i wouldnt ask to be spared. i would let him shoot me. as many fucking times as he wanted. and i hope my mother would feel bad when she saw it happen. i hope she would regret not being a better mother to me. i hope she would regret all the fucked up ways she's treated me over the years. i could never take my own life but i pray to god someone else comes to take mine. and hopefully sooner rather than later.