im a freak, im a weirdo

i havent felt this way in so long and right now it so strong i dont even want to be writing this. i want to be feeling the life drain out of my body. i want to never wake up and just die peacefully and never be seen again. never be hurt again. never be yelled at again. never be looked down upon again. i just want to die. i just want to be gone. its my birthday and i cant think of anything id rather have than being dead. it would so much easier on me. i was going to say it would be easier on everyone else but that's not true. there are a lot of people who depend on me daily for work and for life in general and i wouldnt want to let them down. but the truth is sometimes you have to let down the people you love because you see that you simply will never live up to their expectations. they say stuff to you on a whim and never realize what it is that their doing. that every single time that slips out of their mouth so frivolously it breaks a part of you. and eventually there is no more of you to break. they watched all the pieces of you fall and then they turn their backs and they dont think twice about it. but when they come right back to demand you give them more of yourself so they can watch you crumble.... and i want to be everything you expect all the time. constantly beating myself up for all the little things that i cant seem to get right. but i finally got to a point where i thought to myself "i have to start living my life. not wasting it on degrading myself everytime i disappoint someone" well i was wrong. i never should have let me guard down. i shouldve push myself harder and done more and been better. im happier when im more carefree and just realize that what happens needs to be taken with a grain of salt. but i hurt so much when someone close to me hurts me at just the right spot and its like acid on a gaping wound. ive been telling myself to hold on. that these new vitamins will help me. they will take away that cloud cover on my spirit and i will be able to function again. but now im not so sure. maybe ill never get better. maybe ill always feel this broken, this defected. maybe ill always be a freak who cries when she gets her feelings hurt. and the stupid part is getting asked when you do cry. like people dont expect you to cry, they expect you to stay tough. well i cant be tough. im not tough and i never will be. im fragile and sensitive and you cant just yell at me and then apologize and that will be it. ill cry, freak out, beat myself up and then eventually be able to face you again. and when it winds all down and i take a minute to breath, i realize that this is just another thing i will bury and suck up and move on from. i will go back to the treatment that hurts me so and just tell myself they dont really mean it.